Monday...it's the today I start my diet day....

So here I am, another Monday that I proclaim to start my "diet" or actually...my healthier eating and exercising start. Don't we always seem to start everything on a Monday?
I packed my breakfast, lunch, snacks for the day and have vowed to stay away from the vending machine. My goal today is to avoid that machine like the plague.
I'm not sure if I'll be able to walk the beach during my lunch hour today since it's supposed to rain like crazy, so I'll have to make sure I get on the treadmill when I get home. I'm making a chicken tonight, so that will give me plenty of time to get some walking in while it's in the oven.

And....I got on the scale this morning...229.5lbs!! Yeah, that's right...gained more weight. I really have to get this under control. I don't even recognize myself anymore. None of my clothes fit, I'm busting out of everything I have to wear to work...it's really disgusting. But I guess not disgusting enough to stop eating. When am I EVER gonna get a grip?????

My newest

Well,
It's been a while since I've posted.
I'm still the same weight, still not eating great, but I've made 1 great stride today.
I decided that I would use my lunch hour to walk. So, I bought a couple of pairs of pants & tee's that I won't be to embarrassed to change into at work, packed a bag last night with the change of clothes, sneakers, socks, baby powder, walkman, etc.

I changed my clothes in work, and drove to the beach where I walked for 1/2 hour. I forgot how great it feels to do that. I grew up at that beach and my family still lives in the area. I used to walk it almost daily and it was such a great thing to do. I didn't get out of breath, but my shins and calves started to bother me from not walking like that in such a long time. It was almost like I couldn't move my feet as fast as I wanted to. It will take some time for me to work up to a faster pace, but I'm ready for it. I was able to clear my head and just take in the beauty of the ocean. I was so relaxed coming back to work. I'm ready!!

Trying To Get A Grip

Since my last posting, I'm still trying to get a grip on my eating. I'm totally out of control.
Eating something every couple of hours and I just can't seem to gain control of it.
I know some of it is boredom...need to change that. I'm thinking I need to bring sneakers to work and just take a walk around outside now that the weather is getting better.
Funny thing is....I keep saying " I should, I'm thinking about, I'm going to"....but I never do.
I'm craving junk, just sweet, salty junk. When will it end?????

Still Eating crap

Here I am on day 3 of this blog thing. I'm still not eating right yet, a bit better, but not where I should be. I did get on the scale this morning and I'm now at 226 which is still 2 lbs heavier than when I started somewhat counting calories, and I do mean "somewhat". I just made some chicken for dinner and it just wasn't what I wanted, I ate the veggies and picked at the chicken.
My husband had to leave for a meeting and I was almost ready to just make pancakes (for some strange reason I want them), but I'm here instead. I'm NOT going to make them. So here's what I'm going to take baby steps and do:
My goals for the next week:
1. Record EVERYTHING I put in my mouth and be accountable.
2. Eat more salad
3. Get on the treadmill at least 4 times week

Today was the first day of warm weather here and I was realizing I won't be able to cover up as I can in the winter. I really DON'T want to be the fat girl anymore. I don't want to be addicted to food anymore. I'm in control of most of the things in my life except that.
I do know that part of my not being in control is that my dad passed away almost 2 years ago and he was such a big part of my life everyday. It feels like a part of me is missing and I miss him so much. I'm thinking that I'm having issues with food right now because of that. I may be grieving now more than I had and I'm also thinking that my way of dealing is with food. It's not the only reason, because I have had a weight problem for a while now, but not to the extent I am currently. My mom and my 2 sisters who never had real weight issues have put on weight, which leads me to believe they are handling the loss as I am.
Wow...seeing this in print made me realize that I have stumbled onto something here. Maybe I can now move forward for myself.

Another day in fatsville

I watched The Biggest Loser last night and it really made me realize how fat I actually am.
Seeing the before's of the girls and seeing them now also made me realize that I don't have to hide behind my fat and I can lose weight. I just need the motivation and the strong desire. I have to realize that food is not what I need for comfort. I need to find out what the underlying problem with my food obsession is. I have to understand why I don't think I'm good enough.
On the outside, no one would see how I'm feeling...sometimes I don't think I know how I'm feeling.
I'm considered attractive, and maybe that's what the problem is. Maybe I just kept thinking I'd always be attractive, no matter how much I weigh. Well...truth is...I'm losing it, the attraction that is. I look in the mirror and I just can NOT believe I've lied to myself for so long. I'm fat, I'm really fat!! I don't even let my husband see me undressed. I'm so ashamed of how I look, but why do I still run to food?
I'm also going thru menopause, a bit early, but still....I also have Grave's Disease to which I received radioactive iodine treatment for about 6 years ago. I'm now taking thyroid meds daily to make sure I don't go hypothyroid.
But......the package on the outside looks good to everyone else...now I just have to look/feel good enough for me.

I weigh what??????

Yikes!!!! Did I read that right? 228lbs....228lbs....228lbs...
How in the world did I EVER get this fat? Better rephrase that...How in the world did I ever ALLOW myself to get this fat?
In my HS days...(30 years ago) I weighed 132 lbs and thought I was fat!! How I would LOVE to be even close to that now. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I would EVER be fat like this.
I can't understand where this food obsession came from. Why? I just don't understand it.
I'm married to a wonderful guy and have a great family...so why food?
My weight has crept up and down for the last 15 years or so. I was 194 lbs 3 years ago and in the past year have just shoved food down my throat and ballooned up to this weight.
I've been pretty lucky in the one aspect, my face isn't fat and I'm pretty tall. So I've been able to somewhat "hide" my fat, until now.
Now.....I'm just disgusted with myself. Rolls on my back...aughh....my thighs are getting enormous, my arms are getting large, not to mention my stomach...yuk.

So...here I am...hoping that by starting this blog, I can get an idea of what is going on with me.
Also hoping that others will share their stories and maybe some insight as to why food is such an obsession. I will write the good and the bad...(like hiding and eating food)...
Maybe if I see this in print, it will help me stop.

I'm sure I'll be editing alot and posting daily....stay tuned!!